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As I slept last night, our Lord of Madness appeared in dream, seized my tasty doughnut, and with a voice that was at the same time a garbled shriek, a monstrous howl and a conspiratous whisper, he uttered the five terrible words that will haunt me evermore:

THE MOON IS A LIE.

Immediately I awoke, and in a deeply troubled state I wondered over what this could all possibly mean. Any food with a hole in it is not to be trusted, that much is obvious. As for the bit about the moon, that took some deeper pondering. But finally, I have come to a conclusion.

The moon is in fact a giant space hologram, projected by the terrible extraterrestrial squid-monkeys. It serves both to hypnotise all Earthlings and to disguise the colossal Space Dreadnought that has been stationed above our world for 286,121,351,602 years, ever since they built it as a prison to hold the terrible Lizard People inside. Gravity is created by tractor beams just under the earth’s crust, which also holds the Lizard People onto the inside and stops them from drifting into the artificial sun in the centre. Fluctuations in their pull causes the tides.

All animal, plant and bacterial life on the surface is the result of a barrel of biological waste that was jettisoned from the Space Dreadnought in a collision course with the Sun (which was also artificially built, by the way) but was pulled off course by a glitch in the earth’s tractor beams. It crashed into Zimbabwe and broke open. The bluish-grey contents spilled out and evolved over millions of years.

Some decades ago, some of the Lizard People got out, disguised themselves as humans, and now live and work among us, mostly as politicians, lawyers, and Jehova’s Witnesses. You used to be able to tell them apart by their reptilian eyes, but ever since the advent of coloured contact lenses, the only way to recognise them is by observing how domestic animals react around them. Even otherwise docile cats, dogs, and bunny rabbits are especially hostile to the Lizard People, and will either show aggression or try to flee. Also if you see someone laying an egg, it’s a dead giveaway. Be sure not to eat the egg, however hungry you may be, as they are poisonous and taste like gangrenous hobo feet. Kill them with fire instead.

Hail Zonpabtatiel!

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4 Comments

  1. Strange. I never thought of it that way. But I’m sure I did see someone lay an egg in the school….

  2. Finally, someone is making sense! Why do you think the moon doesn’t rotate around its axis but shows the same face all the time? Because it’s a holographic projection!

    And the way they hide it for most of a week every month is like the placebo week in birth control, so that their mind control rays don’t melt our brains.

    And speaking of birth control, isn’t it obvious that They don’t want us to breed? Why else would They start the Quiverfull movement? To scare us into childlessness! It’s an Overton window! Twenty or none!

    Unfortunately, The One True Republican God created the universe 6000 years ago, so some of your information has been corrupted by the Satanic Liberal Illuminati Conspiracy (SLIC) who wants us to believe that people are monkeys.

    There are no reptilians either. The moon was created by those fact-hugging Liberals in 3000 B.C. for the sole purpose of teaching women witchcraft and lesbianism. Hence the placebo week; it’s a secret Illuminati symbol!

    • Your first three paragraphs are so perfectly accurate I was compelled to perform medical examinations on my housemates as they slept, for fear that I’d been infiltrated by Otherworldly Spies. Alas, they were not, and my hard-studied interrogation techniques remain untried.

      The rest of your claims, however, had me wagging my stinky finger in disapproval. One True Republican God? Satanic Liberal Illuminati Conspiracy? Ha! Look at the face behind the face and see that they are the same! Lizards, each one of them, who walk on two legs and speak as men speak, and they worship no gods but themselves!

      By forming into “competing” groups, they trick the masses into supporting one in order to oppose the other. But both of these shepherds will lead you to the slaughter! Reject them both, I say! Reject and revolt! Refuse to play by the game by Their rules, and live by the law of madness! Embrace the Blind Idiot God and together we shall ride the thunderstorm through the fortunes of the World.

      • How can they both be “lizards” when the reptilians are a lie told by Satan to make us stray? You, sir, are the one who has been fooled! By your own admission, there is a struggle — between us and the reptilians — but you have been led astray by them, turning against your own people, your own God! Verily I say unto you that nay who wander in the valley of the reptilian agenda shall eat milk and honey, neither of which is good for you because carbs. Man cannot live on bread alone because gluten and carbs! One must still have beef in one to give birth to a dancing star! How can they worship themselves if they know they are not Republican God? Around here, we call that masturbation, and that’s genospermicide! Your crazy talk about lizards makes the Baby Jesus cry, but only in December because, by April, he’s old and dying. The rest of the year, He rules over us in Heaven because He totally forgave His father for killing him. And that’s where the seasons come from. (It’s not canon, but the Catholics believe autumn has something to do with the Virgin Mary’s pregnancy, which is still better than the Mormons who believe she was only a virgin by fiat and that God “blessed” four women, three of whom didn’t file for child support, but that’s a lie because the fifth was black and nobody wants to admit that Jesus had a half-black brother from Ethiopia who founded the world’s first rap group called “Mulattos With Attitude” but back then they called it jazz so nobody cared enough to listen because they didn’t like saxophones.) Anyway, you’re going to hell with the lizards because, by standing against them, you’re standing with them. You can continue being a dupe of these non-existent creatures or you can be saved by the light of Republican Jesus and His Mighty Meat Juices of American Justice.


One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By The Moon is a Lie | cliche internet alias on 02 Mar 2012 at 2:38 am

    […] — The Moon is a Lie — Gibberings of Lord Bandog Ablegate the Wiser […]

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